I have a wife, two kids, a dog, and two cats. If I fall asleep on the couch in the evening reading a book, you can bet your bottom dollar that …

I have a wife, two kids, a dog, and two cats. If I fall asleep on the couch in the evening reading a book, you can bet your bottom dollar that a) I’ll wake up at 3 AM to use the facilities, and b) creep down the hall and quietly do my business, when c) Oreo the dog, as if she’s been waiting her entire short life for this occassion, will RUN down the stairs to the bathroom, her tail wagging and hitting the wall and whatever else she’s next to (the sink, the door, the dog food, a drum set) loudly enough to wake the damned, so that I’ll d) let her out very quietyat 3:05 to use the outdoor facilities, and then e) just as she starts to bark at the world to prove she’s in charge, I’ll let her back in, and f) try to lay down again for an hour, all the time pretending to myself that g) the baby will not wake up and cry, which of course he does, and I will hear the weary trudging of my wife’s footseps towards Cooper’s room over my head, so that h) being the good husband I am, I carefully walk upstairs, inevitably followed by Oreo, so that i) I can take the Coopster downstairs so the wife can grab a few winks after having been woken up two or three times during the night to calm the little guy down, and then j) before you know, I’ll hear the patter of another set of little feet, this time Maddy, who’ll want to hang out on the couch and lift up Cooper so that he j) cries, so I’ll k) think of another thing to distract the wee ones, such as breakfast, turning on Spongebob, emptying the dishwasher, answering my e-mail whilst jiggling a little one on my knee, when l) my faithful, bleary eyed wife makes her way down the stairs to greet the new day, where m) we greet each other in the familiar way known most couples with children, by drinking copius amounts of coffee and trying to one-up each other on who got the least sleep and is the most tired and who should be felt sorry for the most. And so a new day of parenting begins!

This, in short, is why I am afraid to pee. Thank you.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 16th, 2005 at 2:02 pm and is filed under Kids & Family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.