‘American Vertigo: Traveling America in the Footsteps of Tocqueville,’ by Bernard-Henri Lévy
On the Road Avec M. Lévy
Review by GARRISON KEILLOR

Any American with a big urge to write a book explaining France to the French should read this book first, to get a sense of the hazards involved. Bernard-Henri Lévy is a French writer with a spatter-paint prose style and the grandiosity of a college sophomore; he rambled around this country at the behest of The Atlantic Monthly and now has worked up his notes into a sort of book. It is the classic Freaks, Fatties, Fanatics & Faux Culture Excursion beloved of European journalists for the past 50 years, with stops at Las Vegas to visit a lap-dancing club and a brothel; Beverly Hills; Dealey Plaza in Dallas; Bourbon Street in New Orleans; Graceland; a gun show in Fort Worth; a “partner-swapping club” in San Francisco with a drag queen with mammoth silicone breasts; the Iowa State Fair (“a festival of American kitsch”); Sun City (“gilded apartheid for the old”);a stock car race; the Mall of America; Mount Rushmore; a couple of evangelical megachurches; the Mormons of Salt Lake; some Amish; the 2004 national political conventions; Alcatraz – you get the idea. (For some reason he missed the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, the adult video awards, the grave site of Warren G. Harding and the World’s Largest Ball of Twine.) You meet Sharon Stone and John Kerry and a woman who once weighed 488 pounds and an obese couple carrying rifles, but there’s nobody here whom you recognize. In more than 300 pages, nobody tells a joke. Nobody does much work. Nobody sits and eats and enjoys their food. You’ve lived all your life in America, never attended a megachurch or a brothel, don’t own guns, are non-Amish, and it dawns on you that this is a book about the French. There’s no reason for it to exist in English, except as evidence that travel need not be broadening and one should be wary of books with Tocqueville in the title.
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Brief notes:

• Let no phone go untapped!
• Jack never stopped loving Audrey, not for one second!!!
• You can confiscate Jack’s weapon, but don’t they realize Jack’s entire body is a weapon?
• CTU Knife Torture Protocol: Right eye, then left eye, then face…:
• Body Count Du Jour: 26 But according to next week’s previews, there’s lots more to come!

See also: 37% of Americans Believe Jack Bauer is Real .

Thanks to Phil for fixing our link!

A few weeks ago me and my buddy Paul went to see the wildly overpraised Sarah Silverman movie JESUS IS MAGIC (though, truth be told, her rack cannot be praised enough). The movie is comprised of some pretty funny “shock” one-liners, interspersed with bad musical numbers. During these musical portions, the sound in the theater would drop out almost completely. I got up from my seat and told the ticket taker “Hey, the sound is dropping out.” We watched the rest of the unfunny comedy and the problem was not fixed. No one else from the audience went out to complain, even though the music was a good 50% of the movie. After the movie I went to the cashier and asked for our money back because of the sound problem. She said it was just a problem with the print they were given, and they couldn’t give us our money back. I said Gee, if there’s a problem with the movie, they either a) shouldn’t show it, or b) should have a warning sign at the ticket desk, like the sign they had warning about the foul language in JESUS. She just shrugged, of course, so I asked for the Maager, a kid with dreadlocks and piercings who of course gave us a free pass for another show. I mentioned to him, very politely, that they should either not show the movie or put a sign up. He gave me the shrug.

Then. two weeks, later, Paul and I decide to go see another movie, the excrutiatingly unfunny Albert Brooks LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MOSLEM WORLD. The ticket booth guy was on his cell phone. They give us a ticket at the snack bar. They don’t say thanks or anything, they just hand me the popcorn. The movie starts, It’s not framed–it’s too low, so you can see the boom microphones that are usually cropped out. I go out and tell the ticket person. The movie continues. They don’t fix it. There are subtitles in the movie when Indian people speak. But you can’t read the subtitles because the movie is framed too low. No one but me has complained. The movie is so bad, I don’t care, I just want it to be over.

I need to get a new car – my lease car is expiring. I go to my regular Dealer and ask for a quote on an SUV and a van. “Ah, you don’t want the van! It’s being discontinued.” Over a few weeks of looking at vehicles, he’ll never quote me the van. I get so frustrated I go to another Dealership of foreign cars. I call before I come, explain I’m looking for a van, what features I want, what my price range is. I make an appointment to see the salesman. When I get there, has the salesman run any numbers? No he has not. Does he know how much it will be for the DVD player extra for the kids? Nope. Instead, he wants me to sit there while he plays around on his PC to get the numbers. After 15 minutes, I beg off saying I have an appointment, and give him my nummber to call me with the details. Does he call? What do you think? I ended up going with the SUV, which I pick up tomorrow.

So, todays’ question is — does anyone give a sh*t anymore? Does anyone care about anything? The creators dont care–they know the movie isn’t funny, they know the car won’t last. The sellers don’t seem to care, the customers just seem to accept it. What is going on? I’m not rude when I ask for money back–I’m very polite! I’m not rude when I ask for the movie to be framed–I say, Excuse me, will you please have this fixed, please? I’m very straightforward about my car requirements–I want to put my iPod in it. Is this so much to ask?

When I answer the phone at my corporate job, I am polite, friendly, and try to solve anyone’s problem with a minimum of hassle, and make sure whatever problem they had they don’t have again. I mean, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Apparently I must be behind the curve or something… Because I guess the new deal is, hey, F*ck it.

1) With all of Ford’s recent re-org trouble, it’s nice to see CTU helping them out by buying enormous black Expeditions to cart around their Forensics teams. 2) Will every episode feature gratutitous glimpses of the First Lady’s rack?, 3) Just exactly what is the vetting procedure for CTU employees, besides following protocols? , 4) It’s nice to see Audrey doesn’t blame Jack, for , you know, holding a gun to the surgeon’s head to work on Jack’s suspect while Audrey’s husband died on the operating table., and 5) Tech Support my ass!

BODY COUNT: 24. See detailed specs here.

See also the new Jacktracker.

Excellent must know facts about Jack.

Chuck Norris Facts

Did I mention Maddy got a gerbil over Christmas? As our friend says, most people would pay money to rid their house of vermin, not bring them in… But not us! Also pics of Maddy’s Winter Recital, all featured here.

Chemin De Fer

The Worst Day Ever
A 24 writer talks about torture, terrorism, and fudging “real time.”
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The redheaded late-night talk show host Conan O’Brien has been promoting President Tarja Halonen’s re-election bid as part of a long-running joke about their supposed physical similarities.
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