Look, I don’t care if you have a cell phone–I have one, too. I don’t care if you use it in the car, although everyone knows this is not safe, you are not paying enough attention to your driving, you are going to get into an accident and kill someone (preferably yourself) blah blah blah. I don’t mind if you use your cell phone at work and take it to a corner and talk in a loud voice so everyone hears the personal, mostly boring details of your pathetic life (because it’s fun to mock you later when you are not looking.)

No, what I hate is people who talk on their cell phones while they are performing supposedly “mundane” taks like buying Starbuck’s coffee, picking out jewelery at the Department store, etc., etc., ad naseum. Why do I hate this? Because there is another person right across from you trying to politely do their job, and you are treating them as though they don’t even exist! Like they don’t matter! Like whatever insignifcant thing you are yabbering on about is important enough to just totally ‘dis another human being who is going out of their way to make your existence a little bit more pleasant!

It’s not like these people I see if front of me are yelping into their Razrs’s are performing brain surgery by proxy or walking someone through pulmonary resusicitation while they get their Venti Half-Calf Caramel Latte supreme! Oh no! It’s like “Really? Huh? She did? Uh-huh. They did? Ohmygosh. Wait a sec — can I look at that one? — They did?” Yargghhh!

Have some respect for the people around you, especially the people who doing their level best do to a service job. Do you think these people make tons of money? Do you think their life’s goal was to get you a fresh Orange Julius? Would it hurt you just to put down the frickin’ phone, say “Hello, how are you?” and “Please” and “Thank you”? I mean, doesn’t politeness make the word a bit more pleasant and the day a bit easier to get through?

As far as I’m concerned, salespeople should refuse to serve you until you put your frickin’ phone down and give them your fuill attention. You want their full attention, don’t you? You want them to be polite, right? Then do unto others as you would like done unto you. I’m also in favor of forced euthanization of rude people, but that’s for another post…

It’s the Summer, so what better things is there to do in the Summer than get out and see a few concerts? In the past month, we’ve seen Chris Isaak, comedian Gilbert Gottfried, Robbie Fulks, and my brother-in-law’s step-brother’s Polka band. And each of them were awesome in their own way, and made you happy you were alive. A few notes in brief:

1) Chris Isaak. Two things go without saying about Chris Isaak. One, when he walks out on stage, women scream. Two, when he starts singing that five-octave endless wordless heartbreaking coda at the end “Wicked Game”, everybody screams. There is really no one like him out there today doing that 50’s-based, Presley/Orbison style music. While it may take a rather lengthy stretch of the imagination to see Chris as lonely and blue for longer than it takes to pick up the phone and call another supermodel, he plays the part like no one else. Plus, if you take the wife, you’re almost guaranteed a little action later.

2) Gilbert Gottfried. What I admire in GG is his ability to take an idea and follow that idea as far as it can go and beyond, as evidenced by his five-minute riff on famous midgets jumping up and down on a crowbar stuck in his eye socket. Best simple joke: “I went shopping with Calista Flockhart last week. She tried on a dress and asked: ‘Does this make my spine look fat?’”

3) Polka bands: You know, people get all hung up on the “meaning” of music, who’s “cool”, who’s “in”, whos’ “out.” What they forget too often is the simple joy people get from hearing a band play. This is 3rd year we’ve gone to the Slovenian festival, and every year Tony’s brothers’ band plays and every year they are awesome! People dance, people smoke, people get up and play their own accordains during the band breaks.. It makes you glad to be an Slovenian-American. Which reminds me–where’s my potica?

4) Robbie Fulks played what my buddy Paul said was an “outstanding” set at The Ark in Ann Arbor. My favorite was his cover of Cher’s “Do You Believe In Life After Love”, which was very pretty and heartfelt. Of course, some hipsters laughed, because it was Cher. These are the same hipsters that applaud long noodly bluegrass guitar solos. I was disappointed he didn’t play more ballads, though he started with one of my favorite songs from his recent album GEORGIA HARD, called “If They Could Only See Me Now.” Unfortunately, he left out my favorite verse, which mentions dreams warped and love defiled. And isn’t that what country music is really about?

Dear God!

Be your own Jackson Pollock.

Went to the Dr. last week because ever since my camping trip I’ve been having some pretty bad ankle pain–it hurt to walk down the stairs, walk up the stairs, to walk Cooper to the park… Walking in general, not to mention those roundhouse Chuck Norris kicks I’ve been practicing. I thought maybe I’d strained something. So what does the Dr. say? Tendonits? Hairline fracture? Bone cancer? Nope, it’s osteoarthritis AKA old guy’s disease. According to the Doc, this happens to some joints, etc as we get older–you get inflammation of the tissue from the inside. And what can medical sciece do about it? Bupkus! Nada! Zilch! Go to the drugstore, buy some Advil, start quaffing glucosamine, and come back when you’ve got something real to complain about.

One of my Bosses at work had a good comment about this. He said as a teenager he was diagnosed with a debilitating, chronic knee pain. The Dr. said there was no operation they could do, it would just always hurt. And if you wanted to play sports, the question you had to ask yourself was not “Can I play sports?” (because you can), but “How much pain do I want to endure?” He still plays sports.

Me, I went jogging this morning at 5 with Oreo, who had a two bagger. Unfortunately, I had only brought one bag. God forgive me. Where’s my Advil?

Bob Dylan says modern music is worthless 29 minutes ago

Bob Dylan says modern recordings sound “atrocious,” and even the songs on his new album sounded much better in the studio than on disc.

“I don’t know anybody who’s made a record that sounds decent in the past twenty years, really,” the 65-year-old rocker said in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine.

Dylan, who released eight studio albums in that time, returns with his first recording in five years, “Modern Times,” next Tuesday.

Noting the music industry’s complaints that illegal downloading means people are getting their music for free, he said, “Well, why not? It ain’t worth nothing anyway.”

“You listen to these modern records, they’re atrocious, they have sound all over them,” he added. “There’s no definition of nothing, no vocal, no nothing, just like … static.”

Dylan said he does his best to fight technology, but it’s a losing battle.

“Even these songs probably sounded ten times better in the studio when we recorded ‘em. CDs are small. There’s no stature to it.”

Reuters

I friggin’ hate litterers and littering. I have two kids, I take them to the park, and what do you see around the playscapes? Litter! Cups, paper, straws, candy wrappers, cigarette butts…

Don’t even get me started on those freakin’ cigarette butts. It’s like “Dude! I know it looks cool in a movie to throw your cancer stick out the window and walk on, but ya know what — this isn’t a frggin’ movie, is it, Dude? No, it’s a frickin’ park where people bring their kids for some fun and relaxation. Is the world your frickin’ spittoon?!!?”

And who is throwing this stuff? What are they thinkin’? If it’s kids, where are their parents? Don’t they notice? Don’t they teach their kids anything? Do they think The Maid Of The Park will come every night and make things are better? Have some respect for your environment and the people around you!

And you know, when I see litter, I lean down and pick it up and throw it away! I mean, it’s just paper products! It’s not covered in radioactive gel, and it does not trigger an explosive device like in wartime. It’s just litter tossed by some obnoxious, unthinking, disrespectful, self-involved, brain dead cretin! Other parents, they act like it doesn’t exist! Well, it does exist, and it’s driving me frickin’ crazy! If you see it, PICK IT UP AND THROW IT AWAY!.

There should be a law! They should shoot these people, and then have their family members pick up the spent shell casings afterwards. And half the litter is from terrible, brain-and-body deadining stuff like Taco Bell, 7/11 Pop cups, candy bars.. No wonder the world is going to heck in a handbasket and we’re on the verge of World War III! If you ask me, it couldn’t come soon enough, if it would blow up the litterers first! Then only non-litterers would be taken up in the Rapture! AAAAAAARRGKKK!!!! NNNNGGG!!! *GURK!**

My daughter’s eighth Birthday is this week. We had her Birthday party this weekend to avoid to Dream Cruise craziness. Six girls stayed overnight. We went to the pool, had pizza, cake and ice cream (with the new fish protein!), opened presents, played Bingo and Twister. Then they went to bed… And talked.. And argued.. And cried.. And laughed.. And talked some more.. I gave up at 12. The Wife gave up at 1. I honestly have no idea when they finally collapsed. I just knew I was back up at 6 to make bacon and waffles. Oh, and I broke the waffle maker. I’m glad you’re only eight once, because I am only human. Next birthday: Space Camp. Pictures of the festivities are here.

Brad drives into his first ever drive-through Starbuck’s.

Brad – “I’ll have a Venti Hazelnut latte and a cinnamon donut, please.”
Disembodied Speaker Voice – “I’m sorry, we don’t have donuts.”
B – “But it says on your menu sign that you have cinnamon donuts for ninety-five cents.”
DSV – “Sorry, that’s just the sign.”