This is an embarassing admission to make, but I am terrible at remembering people’s names. And I mean really terrible. I mean I can barely remember the names of my own children. I mean, if I were to meet you and you were to shake my hand any say “HI, I’m Bud” and I were to smile and say “Pleased to meet you, Bud”, and we were to laugh and talk about our families and our jobs and our favorite TV shows, and then you were to turn around and catch your bus, that 10 minutes later I would say “What was his name again? Bud? Schmud? M’Lud?” So unless you have a horrible facial disfigurement or huge bazongas, I am not going to be able to remember. (And even then, I am much more likely to say “Wasn’t that the horribly disfigured guy next to the one with the huge bazongas?”) I am the reason “Hey Guy!” was invented..

I envy my spouse the schoolteacher, who has four classes of twenty-five students each and can remember each and every name even years later when she passes them on the street. It’s not that I don’t care–I do care! Honest! It’s not that I have Alzheimers, though believe me the thought has occurred to me. The odd thing is, I can probably tell you the names, stars and directors of any movie for the past 50 years, or the original members of the Clash (shout out to Terry Chimes!), or even that thing you did on vacation when you were 12 that you have forgotten about but I remind you of and you go “Man, I had forgotten all about that!”, but the nice woman joining the PTA who just gave me $5 for a membership and who asked about my daughter whom she knew by name? Forget it! I just can’t. I am trying, honestly, but I fail more than I succeed.

Signed,

Nominally Disfigured Guy With Anatomically Minimal Bazongas

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